Why I’ve been dressing to blend in (and didn’t realise it)
A surprising lesson in self-trust, judgement, and the stories hiding in my wardrobe.
Have you ever thought about how what you wear is a walking example of how much you trust yourself?
Because I hadn’t, until I went to Maria Macklin from House of Colour for a colour and style consultation. And wow, did the process make me realise what I had stuffed into my wardrobe was a representation of the stories I hold about myself and other people.
What a style consultation taught me about my inner beliefs
At a basic level we all recognise that what we wear a) affects our own mood and confidence and b) makes a big impression on the people that encounter us. There is nothing new to say here.
But digging deeper (as I’m always keen to do), I realised through the experience of getting my colours done and identifying my style archetype, that the items we choose to dress ourselves with are sending us powerful messages about what we think of ourselves and the people around us, far deeper than just “I’m confident.”
There were 3 areas of the experience with Maria that have really stuck with me, and I thought I’d share them as a refreshing way to reveal the beliefs we carry about ourselves and how they are reflected in something as seemingly innocuous as what we get dressed in each morning.
On the desire to feel ‘polished’
One of the House of Colour exercises when you go through a style consultation is to choose 4 words that you want to represent your style.
One of the words I picked was ‘polished.’
“Oh my goodness I would love it if people thought I looked polished and put together,” I said to Maria.
That’s certainly not how I feel when I get myself dressed most days. When Maria asked me how I felt when I get clothes on in the morning, my answer was ‘rushed.’
My alarm clock is invariably one of the children, earlier than I would like, and I’m flinging on what feels practical and comfortable to facilitate both manhandling children into a car and childcare before 9am, appearing on Zoom calls during the day and then prepping dinner and lying on the floor playing trains by the evening.
‘Polished’ doesn’t really come into my thinking at 7.30am.
But we talked about this and how to achieve that perception and feel of a ‘polished’ outfit. House of Colour have a great framework and list for how to elevate your look. And they’re not rocket science:
- Add a piece of jewellery
- Put on lipstick
- Choose a heel if it’s practical
- Get your nails done
- Bring an outfit together with a belt or jacket
Simple, small additions, that make a big impact.
It made me realise something. Much like the way I coach my clients to notice that it’s not the practical strategies that they’re missing but the belief and trust in executing them, so too is style rarely about the clothes in your wardrobe or that you don’t know how to do something.
Most of us have plenty of clothes, and lots of make-up. We know where we love to get our nails done and we have a selection of jewellery.
Polish isn’t a practical problem for me. I have all the elements.
The problem is rather what I think others’ opinions of me will be when I pull it all off. What I fear will happen when I look ‘polished’, so I feel fabulous, but that perhaps it makes others feel awkward or bad in my presence. Or that they judge me or criticise me for how I look.
Mostly this is in my head, and perhaps yours too. The fear of judgement and criticism.
Usually we’re judging or criticising ourselves with an internal monologue from our inner protector, sometimes one that repeats old messages from partners or parents or acquaintances of the past about how we look and what clothes we ‘should wear.
But sometimes it’s real. And interestingly within a week of my style consultation, I was confronted with it.
After a gym session on a Sunday morning, I had a shower and got dressed ready to pick my daughter up and go straight to a child’s birthday party. I had chosen a pink leopard print skirt, soft grey jumper and had put on boots and jewellery to ‘polish’ the outfit off.
As classes were continuing, one of the girls I train with usually was working out in the next class and saw me leaving. The next time I saw her to train, she said how nice I looked the previous day.
“It’s so lovely seeing people in their other clothes and not just their workout gear!” she commented. Usually, these women get me at 6am with zero make-up and nil points on polish, so I totally understood where she was coming from!
I acknowledged her compliment and told her I was off to a kid’s party but that it was nice to dress up. Another friend overheard and chimed in: “Oh. You’re one of those mums at a party, are you? I just turn up in my leggings.”
And there it was.
Judgement.
By polishing my outfit and making effort I was “one of those mums.”
In all honesty I’m not sure what “those mums” are, when I reflect on it. Of course it came across negatively. The implication that I was a mum that paid attention to her appearance and for some reason that was a bad thing.
The ripple effect of this is big though, if you internalise the message.
That it’s not good to ‘polish’ or take pride in your appearance, that somehow toning it down and making less effort is appreciated or supported more, and will enable you to fit in. That I am making others feel bad by putting an effort into how I dress each day.
As a new mum at the school-gate, this is a big factor for me.
But how does this knock-on for me to the clothes I choose to wear then for networking events? Or a podcast recording where I’m on video? Or just to go about my workday at home?
The story is trying to polish my look makes me one of “those women” (read negative) that make other women feel bad about themselves or judge/criticse me.
But what else could be true?
Perhaps: Trying to polish my look makes me feel happy and confident and others’ opinions are their own.
Stand out? Or blend in?
When we analysed some of the recommended new items for my wardrobe it was fascinating to see more stories that came up.
For example: if I buy this bright bold purple belt, I commented to Maria that it won’t blend in.
I argued: it’s a distinctive and memorable item, and everyone will notice when I wear it repeatedly. So, I reasoned, I should buy something in a more neutral shade.
Let’s get curious about that (which is what I did with Maria):
Firstly… what’s wrong with being distinctive and memorable? Surely that is precisely the look I want to go for, isn’t it?
I appreciate being distinctive isn’t for everyone, but when I’m honest, it is for me.
In my choice of home interiors for example, I like for things to be unique and distinctive. Bold colours on the walls, individual retro side-boards and other furnishings, statement prints framed or on the laminate in the hallway floor.
I chose my children’s names because I didn’t want something the same as everyone else.
There are so many other areas of my life I like to stand out.
Why then, when it comes to my wardrobe, do I choose to tone down, blend in and pick items that are unmemorable?
I’ll tell you why.
When we discussed it, I realised: it’s because I’m concerned what other people will think.
I’m concerned I will be judged (again!). And I am concerned about how my clothing choices will make others feel, often in a negative sense.
If I wear that belt, I worry that other people will think:
- She wore that belt last time I saw her; doesn’t she have anything else?
- Why is she wearing such bold item to this event?
- Who does she think she is, taking up that much space?
- Does that outfit even go together?
And yes it’s possible some people will be thinking these things.
But my word of the year is ‘light’ and I’m really trying to shine the positive and more uplifting angle on situations I find myself in.
So, whilst it doesn’t come naturally, sitting down to write this gives me the opportunity to write out what else people might think about me when I show up with that purple belt:
- She looks put together
- That colour really suits her
- I’m really inspired by her style choice tonight
- I’d love to be that bold with what I wear
- I’m going to compliment her!
Honestly the spiral we draw ourselves into is fascinating to observe.
Don’t buy the belt, don’t stand out, don’t make others notice us, stay small, make peace, keep the status quo.
It’s. Just. A. Belt.
Until it’s not just a belt.
Can we talk about lipstick please
One of the positive surprises about the House of Colour process is their own range of make-up which I was not expecting at all.
I have always loved the idea of a bold lipstick, or knowing rather than just feeling by instinct what blusher my suit me, but have never figured out how to choose either.
Knowing your colours eliminates the guess work with this. Add to that House of Colour has its own make-up range I can pick from with really lovely quality – the whole process is easy.
I’m a ‘Summer’ colouring, so I select that from the drop down on their website and see all the products that suit my colouring. Cue a sigh of relief and a flurry at the online checkout.
But dropping those items into my online basket made me realise: lipstick is always something I’ve pulled away from until now. Thinking about making it a day-to-day part of my wardrobe brought up a whole heap of stories I had to challenge.
I noticed that I still carried a belief that you can’t highlight lips and eyes i.e. don’t do eye-shadow and lipstick, it’s ‘too much.’ And that lipstick will draw unwanted attention and send the wrong message, especially for day-time wear.
Sadly, when I analyse these stories, I can see the depressing messages that still 25 years on from my teens haven’t changed much for women. The same way I carry the belief that you shouldn’t show legs and cleavage in the same outfit, again ‘too much.’
The message is that we need to adapt and tone down to avoid being harassed or seen as ‘wanting / inviting it.’ When all we want to do is pull together a chic look we feel great in and go about our business.
But from a couple of weeks now of embracing lipstick most days in my make-up kit, I’ve come to realise: it really completes a look.
I feel great when I catch myself on screen or in the mirror, most people could not care less what you’ve chosen to put on your lips, many people also lipstick every day (it’s like a club when you notice 😊) and they look fab and put together too when I observe them.
And a fascinating aside on lipstick and colours in general: Maria explained that knowing your colours means when you wear them, your features are clearer. In the wrong colours you are ‘blurry’ – it’s harder to focus on what you are saying, your words and image are less sharp and as a result, you are more difficult to trust and understand. It’s hard to explain until you see it done! But I love the idea that adding my lipstick adds to my trust factor.
For me, the work with Maria and House Of Colour has been an incredible new angle to explore my relationship with myself and the beliefs I have. The work was an enjoyable and fun but also deep way of seeing the way I avoid Maria’s encouragement to ‘Take Your Space’ in small and subtle ways when I hit the shops or scroll through Vinted and make a decision about my next clothing purchase.
I’d love to know what you think. Does your wardrobe reflect the real authentic you? Or the beliefs and fears you have about criticism, judgement or rejection? I’d love to know your thoughts.
You can find out more about working with me here.
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I started wearing clothes that make me feel good (read out there and brightly coloured) and I know there are mums at the school gate who judge me but tbh they’re not people I want in my world. I’ve had so many more compliments than judgements from people. But the most important thing is that I feel fucking fabulous in what I’m wearing and that’s really all that matters! X
This was such an interesting lens on self-trust. I love how you unpacked the belt — because you’re right, it’s never just a belt. It’s space. It’s visibility. It’s the quiet decision not to shrink.
The part about blending in really stayed with me. So often we think we’re making “practical” wardrobe choices, but they’re actually protective ones. And sometimes the most radical thing is simply allowing ourselves to be seen — polished, bold, distinctive — without apologising for it.
Thank you for articulating that so honestly. It made me reflect on a few things in my own wardrobe too. 💜