What if fear of conflict is the real thing keeping you stuck?
Why making bold moves in your business often brings up fear of criticism — and how to navigate it with self-trust
I was lucky enough to give the closing talk recently at the Society for Virtual Assistants Summit in Dublin, talking all things trust and humanness in a world of AI.
The audience was allowed to submit anonymous questions and one of them was brilliant, but in the moment and under pressure, I don’t think I answered it very well at all.
So I’m writing this Substack article with a bit more time and consideration to respond to the query which was:
How do you handle conflict when you try to change things in your business?
This is such a good question. Because I can bang on about trusting yourself to do things like up your prices, drop old offers, pivot into new services, step more into your visibility, re-brand or let go of old clients, but naturally that comes with risk.
One of those risks is that people around you don’t like you making these changes, and it creates tension or outright animosity and criticism. From clients, from your audience, from your friends or family. Which is something that most of us actively avoid.
So if we want big change in our business, how do we handle that?
The hidden fear behind big decisions
It’s good to remember that in this moment of making a big decision it’s not that you don’t know what to do — it’s that you’re scared of what others will say, think or feel.
A great example of this popped up last night when I was at a business networking event. We went around the table each sharing on the topic “what is troubling you in your business right now?”
One business owner, an osteopath, shared how she wanted to grow her own practice and cut down on her commitments to teaching and another clinic that she worked for.
As we quizzed her it became clear - she knew exactly what needed to happen.
She knew which role she could ask to cut down to 2 days a week instead of 3, she knew which clinic didn’t feel “her” anymore and was the one she was happy to step away from, and she knew the conversation she needed to have with the owner of the room she rented to add another day rental. She even felt confident that her clients would find and follow her to work with her privately, so there seemed certainty about filling the new space.
And yet…. It wasn’t happening. It was hanging over her, troubling her.
Because these were micro networking sessions and we were whizzing round the table listening to everyone’s concerns, we didn’t have time enough to unpack everything.
But the coach in me just wanted to know… who are you worried about upsetting by doing to is? Who do you think may criticise you? Are you concerned doing this will create conflict with someone? There was a fear in there ready to be unearthed….
The invisible weight of anticipated conflict
Not everyone will get it — and that’s not a sign to stop.
Often when we stop to look, we procrastinate or paralyse ourselves when making big decisions in our business because we fear criticism and judgement and confrontation activates self-doubt.
This is when we’re operating from the Safety Guardian headspace. That protective part of you (note, it’s just a part), that holds beliefs like:
“I mustn’t upset anyone”
“I need to keep everyone happy”
“What if they think I’m greedy/selfish/self-obsessed?”
There’s a reason (or many reasons sometimes!) from the past that you might hold these beliefs.
In my coaching we look at a conflict biography - a more detailed look at where you’ve heard or come to embody or ‘know’ that “I mustn’t upset anyone” (for example), is the truth.
Maybe you had to tip-toe around a parent as a child.
Maybe you set a boundary before and there was uproar in your friendship group.
Maybe you watched a colleague leave her role and saw the anger it caused with the rest of the team.
All this is evidence that your Safety Guardian protector stores in order to build the story that it is not safe to do what you want or take bold moves, because the fall out is too great and conflict is created.
But…. Is this true? Every time? And even if upset or conflict is created by your decisions and actions, what does that mean about you and what you want to do…?
How your conflict style might be running the show
Do you freeze, fawn or fight when faced with potential pushback?
We all know the classic ‘fight or flight’ responses to potential conflict or risk. But there’s a different way to analyse how people handle conflict.
See which one you fall into:
Accommodating - if you have this style of handling conflict you are prone to being cooperative and attentive in relationships, but the downside is you can become exhausted trying to keep everyone happy and never getting quite what you want.
Avoidant - if you see conflict coming you tend to hide, withdraw or walk away - zoning out instead of talking about the problem. Sometimes that’s the right thing to do, but it can leave you feeling isolated and undervalued and invisible.
Adversarial - perhaps you are more open and see conflict as a chance to express your point of view and stand up for your opinion. Which is liberating in one way, but can also mean you feel everyone is your enemy and something to fight against (again, exhausting).
Passive-Aggressive - this is a combination of Avoidant and Adversarial - someone who perhaps uses humour to deflect from the uncomfortable nature of conflict, which can be a safe way to handle things, but can also erode trust over time.
When you think about a pivot or change you want to make in your business that risks conflict, which one do you default to when you’re scared someone might not like your decision?
My default is 100% avoidant. I busy myself with other things (and I can be pretty productive elsewhere!) rather than go into the situation that I know is what I want, but that risks that disapproval.
How about you?
Tools to stay grounded in conflict and move forward anyway
You don’t need to get rid of the fear. You need to feel resourced to move with it.
Ultimately with conflict:
a) we imagine it and prepare for people to react negatively, when in actual fact when we follow through we find people are supportive and happy for us and there’s no conflict at all. In which case what we are dealing with is reducing that voice that screams “risk!” inside your head.
b) we cannot remove completely the possibility that conflict may emerge from our decisions, because we cannot control how other people think, feel and act. In which case what we need to do is become well resourced with tools to trust we can handle that conflict, if indeed it does arise.
Within my coaching I have several tools I’ve been trained in through the Self-Belief Coaching Academy to help with handling situations of conflict, including:
• Reframing Judgement: How to meet feedback or criticism without internalising it.
• Transmuting Criticism: Identifying polarities — what is it that someone’s criticism that doesn’t feel “you” and how can we look at it differently.
• Setting Intentions for Compassionate Confrontation: If you do need to have a conversation (e.g. with a client about ending an offer), you can approach it with calm clarity.
One I’d love to share if you’re reading this and you know you could or will be experiencing conflict because of bold moves you’re making in your business, is the Emotion Cycle, which is quick and effective and connects you to yourself.
The Emotion Cycle: A tool you can use in moments of conflict
If, in a moment where conflict has arisen and you’ve received a negative message or voice note or DM in response to something you’ve done, if you have time and space, take yourself through this cycle:
Notice the emotion in your body. Where in the body can you feel it, does it have a temperature, colour or sensation? Just pause to notice.
Acknowledge and identify the emotion. I am hopeless at this so I always have the emotion wheel handy. Find the word that best summarises what you are feeling in that moment of conflict.
Receive the intelligence - emotions are telling us something! What is it trying to tell you? What memories does it bring up?
Notice it pass. Within 90 seconds, this emotion will move on. Allow it to loosen its grip on you, shake it out physically if you like.
Think about what you need next. It might be that how you feel needs to be expressed to that client or colleague or worked into your response. It might just be something for you to explore yourself another time.
A reframe to hold onto
A potential conflict that comes to my mind as I write this is one I know many of you will relate to: the one with your partner as you make a bold decision to do something in your business that may affect them.
Maybe it’s financial, maybe it’s time commitment related. Maybe to them what you’re trying to do just seems risky or ‘stupid.’
I know my husband worries a lot about my business decisions. He has an a public sector, safe pensionable job for 20+ years. Working for himself and the risk and reward that come with it are alien to him.
But if I avoid having conversations with him about what I want (remember I’m an avoidant conflict style!), then I will remain stuck in my business. If I actively seek out that conversation and resource myself to handle any potential conflict or criticism or judgment (imagined or real!) then it could be a powerful shift in my work and one less fear hanging over me.
The risk of being misunderstood or criticised is real — but so is the cost of staying stuck.
It’s not the strategy that’s missing, it’s often the self-trust to handle the emotional terrain.
If you’re afraid of creating conflict in your next business move, what one tiny step could you take today to build confidence and evidence that you can handle other people’s reactions to what you want to do?
Because nothing should hold you back, you’ve got way too much potential and the world needs what you have to offer.
You can find out more about working with me here.
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